The longest update I think. ; )
----
"Thank you Doc. Martinez" I said politely as I get all my things at nag-ayos para umalis na sa clinic. "No prob Calee. If you'll need anything or you want to talk about something don't forget that I'm willing to listen." Sagot naman nito bago tumayo at nakipag-handshake sa'kin.
"Noted po Doc. I'll keep that in mind" napangiti ako bago tuluyang magpaalam sa doktora I also text my friends Anne and Hannah na tapos na ako sa final session ko. May usapan kasi kaming magbo-bonding today.
I was on my way sa lugar na pagkikitaan namin. Hindi naman ito ganoon kalayo sa clinic ni Doc kaya naman hindi na mahirap lakarin.
May nadaanan akong mirror shop and I can't help to look at my own reflection. My hair is no longer short, I now have a long black hair which I think suits me. I looked matured now.
It's been a year when I woke up from coma.
Four years ago, I tried to end everything. I got tired and lost the battle with myself. I attempted to kill myself.
It took me three years to wake up and the moment I opened my eyes, I considered it as a second life. A second life that is worth living.
Hindi ko inasahang gigising pa ako pagkatapos ng ginawa ko but fortunately, I was given a second chance. A second chance to make myself be sincerely happy. No more pretending, and no more acting.
Masyado akong binalot ng kadiliman, kalungkutan at galit ng mga panahon iyon. Nagalit ako sa mundo at nilamon ng kaisipang ang tanging makapagpapaayos ng lahat ay ang ideya ng pagkawala ko.
I was too focused on the things that made me suffer that I got blinded by it. I was too scared to share every pain. Afraid that I might include other people around me in my own misery. Little did I know, that attempt greatly affected those people. The people who actually cares for me, the people who wants to be by my side.
They thought that they failed in saving me. They think it was their fault of not asking what I really feel. Tingin nila nagkulang sila sa pagpaparamdam na mahalaga ako. But it's not.
It's me who shut them out of my real feelings. I'm the one to be blamed and not them. They didn't know anything and it's my fault for not saying and not seeking for help. Natakot ako na madamay sila sa kadilimang mayroon ako at iyon ang pagkakamali ko.
Seeing them in tears after I opened my eyes made me realized a lot of things. And that includes seeing myself with them for more days and years to come.
When I was in coma, I had a dream of seeing myself years after that incident. I saw myself in the same physical form of how I look today. A more matured Calee in long hair. And in that dream, I looked so happy and contented with some people. But I actually can't remember who they are.
All I can see in that dream is the little smiles I make which is genuine and full of sincerity far from the smile of the old Calee na pilit at medyo OA.
From there I realized that I want to see my future. I want to see that version of myself who can smile genuinely and enjoying little things with the people I care.
After giving a second chance to live, I started to look for the brighter side. Nagsimula akong tignan ang mga maliliit na bagay na maaaring magbigay sa akin ng kasiyahan. Well it's not easy at first but because of the people who stayed with me. I think I made it.
Today was my last session with Dra. Martinez. Months after I woke up, I decided to seek help from a psychologist. I would visit her once a week and we're talking about different things. I started to open up and showing my self more.
It also became possible dahil kasama ko ang mga kaibigan ko na si Anne and Hannah. They never left me. Instead, they did a lot of things for me which is I'm very thankful about.
They're the one who looked for my mother. I dont know how they did it because I never told them about anything regarding my parents. Ang alam nila nasa ibang bansa ang mga ito pero isa lang iyong kasinungalingan. My mom is actually residing in Cebu that time with the person I loathe the most.
Speaking of my mom, she's also one of the reason why I'm doing well now. Hindi niya ako isinuko. Naniwala siya na gigising pa ako kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas. I remember her presence when I woke up that day, her eyes are full of tears and worries. Seeing her that way gave me hope of starting again.
I can still feel the hug that she gave me after seeing me regain my consciousness. She didn't missed any seconds at itinapon niya agad ang sarili sa akin. She hugged me with full of love and guilt. She was so sorry for not believing me and for siding that man. She's the one who blames herself the most because of what I did.
Nalaman ko na sinadya niya lang pala akong hayaang umalis dahil nagkakaroon na siya ng ideya sa kawalang hiyaang ginagawa ng napangasawa niya. She thought that the best thing to do that time was letting me go, at I also found out na sinasaktan na pala siya nito kaya mas pinili niya nalang akong palayuin sa takot na pati ako ay saktan. She don't have any choice that time because he threatened her na hahanapin ako nito at ibabalik sa kanila. And God knows what he'll do if that happens. So that's the reason why she acted that way towards me. She only pretended to be cold at walang pakialam to save me from that abuser.
And I think sa kanya ko namana ang galing ko sa pag-arte.
Hindi ko naiwasang matawa sa naisip. Pinasadahan ko ng isa pang tingin ang kabuuan ko bago tumuloy sa paglalakad.
And about that evil man, he's now behind bars. When Anne and Hannah found my mom nalaman nila ang pinagdadaanan nito at sila ang tumulong sa mom ko para makawala sa walang hiyang taong iyon. I'm still unconscious when the case was on-going at napag-alaman nila na kasal pala sa ibang babae ang demonyong iyon kaya napawalang bisa kaagad ang kasal nila ng mom ko. Isa pa, lumabas din ang asawa nito na nakiisa sa pagsampa ng kaso dito dahil pareho ang sinapit nila sa kamay nito.
I was so relieved to found out that the marriage between them isn't valid. And I treat that fact as another reason to start my new life.
Me and my mom for a year is doing good. We're living in the apartment I lived before. If you'll visit there, malaking pagbabago ang mapapansin doon. No trace of loneliness anymore. Kahit dalawa lang kami ay masaya kaming namumuhay at kontento sa kung anong mayroon kami. Nagkaroon ng online business si mom na tinutulungan ko minsan kapag may time at itinuloy ko naman ang pag-aaral ko. I'm now graduating at working naman na si Anne at Hannah. Naging ahead sila sa akin ng ilan taon dahil sa nangyari sa'kin.
But our friendship remained the same. Nothing changes except nalang siguro sa schedules namin.
Every sunday ay lumalabas kami at nagkakaroon ng bonding katulad nalang ngayon. Dati rin ay sinasamahan muna nila ako sa session ko before we spend our time together pero dahil last na rin naman 'yung kanina ay hindi ko na sila inabala pang sumama.
Kasabay ng pagtulak ko sa glass wall ay ang pagtunog ng wind chimes na nandodoon. Agad kong nakuha ang atensyon ng babaeng katatagpuin ko at nakita ang agarang pagkaway nito sa akin bago ako tuluyang lumapit ng nakangiti rito.
