II: The Dragonborn's Destiny: Alduin by SoulsSlayer

                                    

                                              
The Dragonborn's Destiny: Alduin by @SoulsSlayr (Fanfiction, Skyrim)
                          
I'm a 14 y/o author who is a goth, I mostly write Skyrim fanfiction and stuff alike.
                          
This is a tale of the mighty Dovahkiin and his quest to save Tamriel from the clutches of the World-Eater: Alduin.

                          
What was Awesome 
                          
I enjoyed that the Dragonborn is a woman from Daggerfall in this iteration of the main plot. I also enjoyed the insertion of real in-game quotes, as it definitely placed me in that part of the playthrough.
                          
What was Boring 
                          
A majority of the time, it felt like story events were simply being reported to the reader. The first three chapters were made up almost exclusively of "telling". Because this piece is written in the first person, there is plenty of room for a somewhat editorialised telling of the Dragonborn's story--that is, room to tell it though Isobelle's eyes, not necessarily as a player would see it through the screen.
                          
What was Confusing 

                          
Given the nature of fanfiction, the popularity of the game, and the way this piece is written, nothing particularly confused me since the story follows the exact progression of the source material in written form.
                          
What caused Disbelief 

                          
As I said above, there was very little if anything at all that caused disbelief given the nature of the piece.
                          
Plot - 2
                          
Because the plot is precisely the plot of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, I will not judge plot events themselves but the way in which they are relayed to the reader. 
                          
This ties back into what I discussed under the "What was Boring?" heading. I would very much like to see the author take the time to slow down, get into Isobelle's head, and tell things from her point-of-view rather than the point-of-view of a player. Especially since Isobelle is not a Skyrim native, I think more could be done with her reaction to meeting a Jarl for the first time (including being in his palace), seeing Helgen and Falkreath Hold, meeting Gerdur in Riverwood, and similar events. This being a piece of fiction also lends itself to including things not found in-game, such as finding a safe place to sleep for the night, navigating, and collecting food (whether by hunting or foraging).
                          
One of the advantages of turning media produced in one form into media of another form (e.g., a roleplaying game into fiction) is that you gain the tools available in the new form and lose the limitations of the previous form, such as limited dialogue, a "Mary Sue"-ish character to the protagonist, and the shallow repetitiveness of non-player-character encounters. Although it might not be strictly canon, adding some variation in scenes and characters that honours the source material but takes artistic license will surely draw more eyes than it will drive away.  

                          
Characters - 2
                          
None of the characters are physically (and sometimes dialogue-wise) different from their original forms in-game, which is fine. However, they also lack the level of individuality that could be given to them by the author simply because there is room to do so in novel form. The main character particularly feels very wooden and almost like a marionette for the reader to pull around in their mind's eye. While this method works well in a roleplaying game, in fiction it creates unnecessary distance between the reader and main character. There's nothing that says the reader must adore the main character. However, being able to connect with them and understand them in some way is a key to maintaining the audience's interest in the story. I would love to see more work done with this.
                          
Worldbuilding - 3
                          
The Elder Scrolls series has a truly astonishing amount of lore behind it. I would love to see more of it incorporated into this story, as it can only serve to enhance the experience for readers, particularly if they aren't familiar with Elder Scrolls lore. Expanding upon the world also helps readers place themselves in it. Further, adding lore in a judicious manner will help ground the characters, particularly the main character, in the world. This will encourage immersion and suspension of disbelief amongst readers.
                          
Presentation - 3
                          
The cover text is clear and legible. The image used is immediately recognisable to fans of Skyrim. The author's name is slightly small, but this isn't a terribly difficult thing to remedy.
                          
I think a meticulous sweep of all currently available chapters could vastly improve many of the mistakes with grammar, spelling, and formatting. Nothing was so egregiously wrong that it was unintelligible, but taking care to eliminate as many typos and inconsistencies as possible can only help.
                          
Overall Score: 2.5
                          
With work, I believe this could be a compelling retelling of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim's main plot. My main recommendations are to slow down and take your time with describing the setting and how the main character experiences things and unpacking many of the "summaries" found throughout the first three chapters in order to draw the reader in more. Don't give up! Nothing is perfect the first go around.