Heebie Jeebies (part 1)

                                    

                                              
This was originally an AU one-shot, but is now a book with this one-shot as the 'meet-cute'. My original note said: I think I'd file this one under comedy / horror (kinda). TRIGGER WARNING: if you don't like spiders, you might want to skip this first chapter... 😨🕷🕸 
                          
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What the fuck is going on upstairs? Are they moving furniture? I glance at the clock. At two in the fucking morning?! That's just... rude. Inconsiderate fucks. Okay, deep breaths. In. And out. Think calm thoughts. Maybe if I ignore it, I'll just drift back off to sleep. 
                          
But then the yelling starts. Followed by a series of dull thuds that sound more like furniture being thrown than moved. Amongst the mostly indistinct yelling I hear a loud, deep, and very angry cry of "Fucking die!" followed by another thud and then several high pitched piercing screams. Shit. I feel my muscles tense as years of training kicks in involuntarily. I throw back the covers, swing my legs out of bed and quickly pull on a pair of sweatpants. I fumble for my keys and unlock the drawer containing my badge and gun. Grabbing both, I fly out of the apartment and bound up the stairs two at a time, pausing momentarily to get my bearings. The floor layout is slightly different on this level; which apartment is above my own? Another thud sounds, and I whip my head to locate the source of the noise. Apartment 4b; okay, here we go. I loop the chain of my badge around my neck, rap loudly on the door and clasp my gun with both hands, barrel down, and click the safety off. I widen my stance a little, take a deep breath and try to anticipate what might greet me on the other side of this door.
                          
No response. I bang again; louder. More silence. Deafening silence. Oh, God. Was I not quick enough? 
                          
"Police! Open up!" I yell, banging again. I steel myself as this time I hear the locks click-clunk and see the door pull back slowly to reveal a half-naked blond bear of a man, who fucking towers over me. He's standing, blocking the doorway, with a frying pan in one hand and an aerosol can in the other. His face is flushed, his chest heaving with exertion, eyes wide with adrenaline, and his bare torso is glistening with sweat. He adjusts the grip on the pan and I see the muscles of that arm ripple underneath the monochrome sleeve that adorns it. Shit. Why the fuck did I not call for back up? 
                          
"Officer? He asks, softly, his worried tone completely at odds with his appearance. His eyes flit nervously between my face, the badge resting against my bare chest and the gun clasped in my hands. My eyes scan over him and the small amount of apartment I can see behind him. No blood. No obvious injuries. Good sign. 
                          
"Sir, can I talk to your wife please?" I ask him calmly.
                          
"I... I don't have a wife," he says, shakily. 
                          
"Your girlfriend, then,"
                          
"Don't have one of those either, officer."
                          
"Sir, who else is in the apartment with you?"
                          
"Um, no-one. Just me."
                          
I feel my jaw clench. "Sir, I heard sounds indicating some kind of altercation, followed by a woman screaming," I shift my grip on my firearm just noticeably, "I'm going to ask you again; where is she?"
                          
"There's no-one here! It's just me!" He's frantic, his expression panicked, but then suddenly it shifts. "Wait. Did you say you heard a woman screaming? And, like, thumping and bumping?" He looks suddenly uncomfortable. "Oh. Um, yeah. Tha-that was me. Um, yeah; I was the one screaming. And, um, throwing things." He glances guiltily at the frying pan in his hands and places it gingerly on the entrance hall table.
                          
"Sir, I am going to need to search your apartment," I say in a neutral tone.
                          
He nods and backs away from me, allowing me step into the entrance hall. "Um, sure, sure," he says. I stop once I've halved the distance between us and nod my head in the direction of the doorway to my left, indicating that we're going that way and that he should lead.