Seven

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"What?" my voice is a bare whisper.  I can't believe what he's just said.

I know he said it because I was watching his mouth as he spoke like I always watch his mouth when he speaks. Those were definitely the words that came out of it.  Except how can they be? How is it possible that he's saying this? That he's doing this?  He can't be. 

I'm sitting up now, staring down at him. His face is grave and serious whereas mine is frozen in some sort of static shock. "What are you talking about?"

He lets out a deep breath and licks his lips, his mouth in a grim line. "I made a deal,"

"A deal?" It's almost funny how simplistic the word sounds.  A deal.  It wasn't simple though was it? Jake making this deal was complicated and dangerous.  Not simple. Not simple at all.

He sighs, looking away from the weight of my stare.  "It was the only way Alex.  I'd never have gotten out clean any other way," he says.

Clean.  Another simplistic word for something that was far from simple.  My god he was good at this. 

He looks back at me. "It just wasn't an option, you don't know these people baby, this life. You need to understand..." He shakes his head, his eyes imploring me to of course understand.

Which of course, I don't. 

"This doesn't sound like a clean option Jake. This sounds like madness. It sounds  dangerous." He drops his eyes again.  Which surprisingly does nothing to convince me I'm wrong. "Well is it? Is it safe?" My voice is a pitch too high.

He lifts his head to look at me, and the silence as he decides how to answer feels very heavy. "No, not exactly," He says.   "But it's the only option, if I wanted out properly then, this was the only option."

"Well, that's comforting Jake.  Really," I give him a sarcastic look. As I look about the bed in panic I realise that the nausea has returned with a vengeance. It's more suffocating and bitter now. "When did you decide this exactly?" I ask. "When did this become the only option?"

He's watching me intensely. He runs a hand over his mouth, stroking his beard a few times.  "I called Mark after I left your house that day. We met a few days later to talk about it, clarify some things.   We've only spoken a few times since, but I haven't given him anything that would le -."

Something goes off inside my head.   Something loud and shrill.

"Mark?" my mouth drops open.   "Mark is who you've made this... this arrangement with?" He has to be kidding. Except, why would he be kidding about this? Nothing makes sense.  "Mark?" I repeat. I'm not sure how many times I need to say his name. My ears and my throat are burning with it, and then with the fury that's coming from it.

"Yeah," He confirms. 

Oh my god.

"So.... what, he knew about this thing the entire time? About what you were doing? About how much danger you were in?" I shake my head in disbelief. Jake nods slowly.   

It's so loud.  My head.  Loud and devastating. It makes my thoughts and feelings feel blurred and untamable. My head is a virtual tornado.  I'm certainly not thinking straight enough in order to process any of what he's just told me.

My mind seems able to focus on one thing only, and my body seems able to follow. Before I realise it I'm out of bed and striding towards the door.  That underhanded manipulative bastard.

"Alex! Where are you going?  What the fuck?" I hear him shout after me but I ignore him. 

With a bang, our solid hotel room door flies open and hits the wall as I charge through it and along the corridor to Mark's room. I know which room is his because he'd mentioned it to me the night I arrived.   He'd done it with a hopeful note in his voice.  I'm on your floor by the way – room 316.  If you need to talk Alex - about anything - you know where I am.

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